Identity
This picture is from our performance of our song "Original". Performing this song was so emotional for me because throwing off the cape that covered me up was such a defining moment that portrayed such a pivotal moment for me in my life during my recovery. Being able to throw off the cape signified that I am not like everyone else, I am different from my sisters, I am the only one of me that has ever been and will ever be ... so no more covering up who I am and who I am meant to be. It shows that I am original and my identity is Natalie Hall. Period. I thought of this picture when I decided to write on this topic "Identity" because this picture sums this up. Stepping out from the cape of impossible standards from the world and throwing off the cape that hides and tries to blend me in like everyone else.
I don't know about y’all, but my family and I love watching shows like Hawaii 5-O, NCIS, Blue Bloods ... we love murder mysteries. We love watching murders being solved and detectives working.
It was just the other day I was watching a NCIS and I started thinking that one of the most important things to know when solving a murder or any case, is the identity. It may be the identity of the suspect, or the victim, it doesn’t matter. Knowing the identity of whoever that person may be is one of the most critical parts in solving the case. Think about it. You have to know who that person is, what they have done in the past, what their problems are, what they do for a living ... so on and so on to be able to know how they are going to act or what they might do next. The detectives always need to know the person’s identity.
It got me thinking of just how big a part knowing one’s identity is. Which is exactly what I didn’t know when I was struggling with my eating disorders. Understanding and knowing your right identity is such a huge part in being able to recover from your eating disorder. My eating disorders were part of my identity and I did not want to give up that identity because, who would I be without them?
Think of it this way - why would you let go of something when it is your identity? When that thing is your identity you are not going to let that go because if you do ... you're left with no idea who you are. You are left with a gaping hole inside that creates such a darkness that you live with no light in your life. You are left unidentifiable and that is a very scary place to be. Like it or not, humans have such a strong desire to be liked, humans want to fit in and humans crave a sense of belonging. So how does one belong when you don’t have an identity?
All of these issues is only a problem if you have built your identity on a false identity. I built mine on being the thin girl, because I couldn't belong anywhere else. I couldn’t make myself prettier, which my other sisters were, but I could control my weight. That’s the only thing I could do was be thin, and even though I didn’t see how small I was at the time, I knew that I was the thinnest amongst my sisters so my identity became the thin girl of the group.
When I went away to the treatment center, I realized that this was the time I was going to have to let go of my eating disorder. I knew I was going to have to find out who I was without my eating disorder. It was terrifying and very uncomfortable. In fact, about six months after my time away I started relapsing back to anorexia and became anorexic ... again ... because I didn’t know who I was without it. (But also remember, there were a lot of other reasons why I relapsed but this was a huge factor into why I went back to anorexia.)
Letting go of your false identity is so extremely hard. It may be a false identity but it is real in the eyes of the one who created that false identity.
When I finally started letting go of anorexia in 2017, it wasn't long before I became bulimic. I remember feeling so lost, I had no idea who I was. I can't tell you what a dark place that is to be in but if you are someone who has experienced it, then you know just how dark it is. You don't know who you are, and you are always looking for anything to give you worth and a sense of belonging. You know, it was hard for me because I was amongst three gorgeous sisters, and having to let go of being the thinnest was near impossible because once I did, what and who would I be? I couldn’t be the prettiest so I would be a nobody, I would be less than nothing. But I knew I had to let go in order to start really recovering.
But like I said, bulimia came soon after. When I started gaining weight I really didn’t know who I was so I created another false identity. That identity was to be the fat, jolly girl who always was happy and smiley. The one thing no matter what size I was, the one thing people would comment on was my smile. So, I smiled my way through life and the only way I was able to keep up smiling when I was dying inside was the fact that I could come back home to food. I could always hide away with food, cry with food, drown my sorrows in food and food would just be there for me.
So I switched one false identity with another and in the end it didn’t work. I could only keep smiling for so long, it couldn’t and didn’t last. And you know, people can see underneath the smile. My eyes showed the hurt, I wasn’t hiding it well. At least not to my family. The people that know you and love you, they can see what you think you may be hiding because they know who you really are. My family knew my real identity even when I didn’t.
They encouraged me to let go of these false identities. They told me I didn’t need them, that all they wanted and all I had to be was me. But how does one let go of your false identity and become who you are when you don’t know who you are? By letting go of your false identity and accepting who you are and by accepting your real identity. Sounds simple right? And technically it is simple, but we just have a hard time living in that transition period of learning how to live without any false identity and living in the one you are given from before time was created.
See, God made you a masterpiece, He made you the way you are. There has never been and will never be another you ... so be you! But we can’t when we believe the lie that Satan tells us, that we aren't good enough. That we need ______ fill in the blank to make us who we should be. That is when we “need” these false identities because we aren’t good enough … at least that’s what Satan says. But with God, He says you are perfect just the way you are. He created us uniquely and divinely, He made us to be the only you the world has ever had. God tells us we are more than enough just the way we are. We don’t need to add anything ... that is if you already have a personal relationship with Him.
Satan always tells us we have to add something to make us better, and with Satan it doesn’t matter how much you “add”, it will never be enough. Trust me. I was dying from starvation and I still wasn’t thin enough.
With God, all He asks of us is to believe in Him and we will have everlasting life. When we are children of God, He sees us as worthy, holy and perfect. When we have Christ we have no blemishes, we don’t have to add anything. We just have to be who we are in Christ. And let me tell you, you won’t ever have to go looking for worth or validation here on earth when you start understanding how loved and accepted you are in Christ. That’s how I was able to start accepting myself, loving myself, and being who I am and who I was meant to be. That’s when I started letting go of the false identities and living in the real identity of who I really am. I haven’t had to add anything ... just be me! And that’s all I had to do.
So know this, with God you are loved, you are worthy, you are perfect, you are a masterpiece and you are original. And that's why the lyrics to our song "Original" really hit home for me every time we sing it.
"But I keep fighting, I won't quit
A voice inside of me, it screams I win!
You can't hide me, the real me
Cause that's what defines me"
You only have to let go and accept who you are. I promise, you are enough right now, today. You don’t have to change anything about yourself. You are enough. Accept who you are and live in your one and only true identity.
~ Natalie
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