I Surrender All

                                                   

Back when I was leaving the treatment center, one of the girls there and myself talked about writing a book individually. So the idea of writing a book came while I was at the treatment center. The title I knew I was going to call this book was “I Surrender All”. But half of the book wasn't even written within my own life, so by the time my book was done in 2020 ... the name of the book had changed to "Nothing to Lose but Everything to Gain". It fit better then the original title. With that being said, I wanted to share with you the reason why I wanted the title of my book to be “I Surrender All”.

I surrender all was the key phrase of my life back when I was anorexic. It is truly the key in so many ways to recovery. When one struggles with an eating disorder, or pornography, alcohol, drugs or whatever ... you are holding on to something. I was holding on to food by starving myself because I was hurt and confused and my life was out of control. So I held on to food for comfort and control. Why does anyone hold onto addictions? Whenever we go through suffering, or loneliness or hurt or pain or bullying or abuse, whatever it is we go through, we go to something to cling to because our life is out of control and we need something to control and something to numb the pain in our hearts. So we go and hold on to food or addictions or depression or anxiety. 

Ok, so you see how we get to the point of holding on to something. I want you to visualize this with me. Picture whatever it is you hold on to, for me it’s food, in the middle of your palm and your hand is gripping it shut. And no matter who wants to look inside your hand to see what it is you are holding ... you will not show it to anyone even if your life depended on it. Can you visualize that? Ok, good. That’s what we are doing when we go to addictions or food or whatever when we are hurt, or when our life is out of control. 

Little do we know the longer we hold on to whatever it is you are holding on to ... the more sick we become and that's when it switches to a disorder/addiction. That's exactly what happened to me. I went to food when my life fell apart. I didn’t know where else to go. I held onto food for so long that I didn’t know how to cope and numb the pain in my heart without food. Even though I was anorexic it was the absence of food that was enabling me to numb my pain and help me control my life. I gripped onto food and it soon gripped me to where I couldn’t get out of my eating disorder ... even if I wanted to. 

I had become so sick and my thinking had become so disordered. This is what happens when we hold on to whatever it is we hold on to. Sooner than later that “thing” takes over our lives to where we are not in control anymore. And this is where “I surrender all” comes into play. 

See, the Lord wants to be first in our life and when you are gripping on to something so tightly to where it takes over your life ... that becomes an idol and something you hold on to instead of the Lord. God wants us to go to Him and for Him to be first in our hearts and when we go to whatever it is we go to, instead of God first ... it turns into something that overcomes us and can then become a disorder/addiction that eventually will kill us if we don't let go and don’t get out of that grip. So my phrase became “I surrender all'' because I had to let go of everything I was holding onto ... my suffering, my pain, my hurt, my control and ultimately my life and surrender it over to God. 

Now that’s hard to do when you don't trust God. I was angry at Him. He had caused all this pain in my life and He made me become a musician and so for many different reasons, I didn’t trust Him and therefore did not want to surrender my life to Him. But being a Christian ... that’s something that is non negotiable really. When you become a believer, you sign the rights to your life over to Him anyway ... so He already is in control of my life but He wants us to be willing, servants who trust Him and surrender to Him because He is our good Father. 

So the phrase, “I surrender all” repeated and repeated in my brain for years. I kept having these "come to Jesus" moments where I surrendered everything over to Him ... and then I would go and mess up and go right back to my old ways. I kept looking for this one “I surrender all” moment in my life where all my problems went away because I had finally surrendered and let go of everything I wanted to hold on to. But ... it never came. But! What I realized was this. “I surrender all” is a daily, hourly thing we must fight for and put into practice. It isn’t one moment but a continual step/action throughout our life. That’s why we need the Lord so much in our lives. It’s why we need His Word and prayer to get us through the day. My struggles may look different now then they did when I was anorexic and bulimic but there are always things through the day that gives me ample opportunity to open my hands to the Lord and say “I surrender all”. It can be over little things throughout the day or interruptions or big things that happen. We just need to get in the practice of surrendering it all before Him. 

That was such a huge thing in my recovery. It doesn’t stop when you “recover” because like I said, there will always be other things in your life you have to surrender over to the Lord. It is a lifelong practice to say, “Not my way, but Yours. I surrender all.” If you start practicing this you will see that even though things may never go your way, or He may never change the circumstances you are in ... you will find that eventually you will trade your disorder/addiction for recovery. Imprisonment for freedom. Depression for joy. Exhaustion for peace. Death for life. I promise you it’s so worth it ... oh the life that comes from letting it all go. Like I said, you may never see the results you were looking for ... but it gets easier the more you do it and He will heal your heart and your ways and it’s better than anything in this world. He didn't take me out of my circumstances ... at all … but He gave me everything I needed and more to overcome them and to be at peace with them.

If you are truly wanting recovery ... then try opening that hand of yours, and let go of what it is you are holding on to and surrender it all ... not a little, not some, not most of it ... surrender it all to the Lord and then do again, and again, and again. Then watch and see the blessings and recovery that come from it. Just remember it takes daily practice and it's something we will never get perfectly here on this side of earth. But it's the not-giving-up that matters. God knows and sees your heart and He understands how weak we are. And yet He loves us that much more! I will end with the lyrics to the old hymn “I Surrender All”. I hope these lyrics ecnrougare you as much as they do me. 

“All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give

I will ever love and trust Him

In His presence daily live

All to Jesus I surrender

Humbly at His feet I bow

Worldly pleasures all forsaken

Take me, Jesus, take me now

I surrender all

I surrender all

All to Thee my blessed Savior

I surrender all

All to Jesus I surrender

Make me Savior wholly Thine

May Thy Holy Spirit fill me

May I know Thy power divine

I surrender all

I surrender all

All to Thee my blessed Savior

I surrender all”

~ Natalie