Fighting to Lose

                                                      

I wanted to share with you all something I wrote during a very dark day during my recovery. You know, recovery can be glamorised by the world. It can be something that is looked on as a time to rest, relax and refocus on you. Well there is a time for resting, relaxing and refocusing on you but recovery is work. It is really hard work. It’s a time of reworking muscles and forcing your mind and body into new, healthy habits that don’t feel good and healthy at the time. It feels quite the opposite a lot of times. Recovery is painful, it feels helpless and hopeless and it has its share of dark days. 

I’m not saying all these things to scare you if you are someone who is going through recovery or for someone who knows one day they will go through recovery. I’m saying this to encourage you that you are not alone. I didn’t know a lot about recovery when I started recovering from anorexia. I didn't know that bad days were something that I could learn from and not feel like a failure from when I was recovering from bulimia. I thought I was the only one who struggled a lot going through recovery. I didn’t think I would relapse. I thought recovery was something you had to get through pretty perfectly otherwise you wouldn’t be recovering at all. I thought recovery was just gonna get easier and better each and every day.  But it didn’t. So many days exhausted me by how much I had to fight and by how much I had to work those new muscles. Everyday had its own different battle filled with triggers and memories and bad habits to work through. And that’s why I wrote this. 

This poem or whatever you wanna call it was written from complete exhaustion and honesty of what recovery felt like to me. This is not a “hope” filled poem. It’s just honest writing of what it feels like to fight for recovery. 

Fighting to Lose

I get up over and over again 

Knowing it won’t do me good 

Just allows me to fall one more time

So I keep fighting to lose 

Why do I put myself through this

Like being abused by an abuser 

I know I will never win this war

But I keep on fighting to lose

I look forward to when I can sleep 

So that I can escape in my dreams

But even there I am terrorized 

By the constant fighting to lose 

I go through life half asleep

Watching everyone around me thrive 

Striving to wake up and live

Yet here I am fighting to lose

I keep thinking maybe today

Will be the day I win … but

Each day I set myself up for failure

I’m fighting to lose

I’ve been told to fight for my life

Fight for freedom and fight for truth 

But the sad reality of my being

Is that I’m forever fighting to lose

The days turn to years 

Nothings changed, no progress made

But I keep on, hoping one day

I won’t be fighting to lose

That is what recovery feels like. That is the unseen, constant fighting and feelings you face when you fight for recovery. But! The truth is, you will see progress, you will change and you will fight to win in the end! It may feel so dark and hopeless at times … but we can’t  give in to that because you are fighting to win!

Now I do know everyone has their own unique path to recovery so maybe recovery wasn't so hard for you … maybe it was. I wanted to share this just so if you are worn out from fighting or in a dark time during your recovery … it’s ok! I’ve been there! 

I hope this does encourage you because honestly, recovery is so worth it! And one day … all that fighting for recovery will pay off and you will overcome and truly recover from your disorder or addiction. Remember, with God ... all things are possible! And He is with you through those most exhausting, dark days in recovery. Don’t listen to the lies that Satan tells you about recovery. He tells you you're fighting to lose so that you believe him and end up losing. We can’t listen to the lies that tell us we're fighting to lose … we must listen to the truth and the truth is … you will recover with God’s help. He will carry you the whole way. So don’t give up! Do not grow weary, God will get you through recovery and one day you will see that you didn't fight to lose...but to win! 

~ Natalie