It Isn’t Fair to Compare

                                                     

So here is a picture of my sisters and I. Some people think we look similar and some people think we look nothing alike. Nonetheless, growing up with sisters you can see how it would be very easy to compare ourselves to one another. So when I learned this phrase, "It isn't fair to compare", it was extremely helpful and it became my motto. That phrase became my motto during my time at the treatment center. And not only did it become my motto at the treatment center, but that phrase came home with me and has stayed with me ever since! I still will have to tell myself that. Why? Well let me tell you why…

    

Growing up with sisters is wonderful. If you can make it through the “hard” years ... they become your best friends. In fact, I distinctly remember, oh maybe when I was ten years old, being in our bonus room after having squibble-squabbled the morning away, mom came to us and gave us a good talking to about being kind to one another and stop arguing so much ... you know, the usual. Well, as she was leaving she said, “Trust me on this, one day you four will be each other's best friends.” And growing up, I have heard one of two things from girls I have met that have had sisters ... just in conversation they have either said, “Oh, my sister is my best friend!” or, “I have a sister, we hate each other, can’t get along at all.” Growing up, that is what I would hear ... really ... it’s either one way or the other.

     

Ok, so my point is this. Sisters are wonderful and thankfully my sisters are my very best friends. But it wasn’t always like that and to be honest, it is only by God’s forgiveness and grace that we four are as close as we are.

    

With that being said, it is not easy being one of four girls. Plus, we work together and we do a job that is in the public eye, and we get comments and we get compared to ... a lot. And on top of all of that ... I had an eating disorder ... that was enough to tear our group apart. Like I said, if it weren't for God and the truly amazing sisters I have ... we wouldn't be a group today. 

    

So with all of that being said, because we are musicians and do things in the public eye, it is easy for people to comment on different things about different sisters. Now, that is not a bad thing. Each one of us sisters is going to affect people differently. Like for example, let’s take the a cappella group Pentatonix. I love listening to their music. And I know for me I love each of them but I have a favorite ... and at the same time I like each of them for different reasons. That is how it is for you I’m sure with music groups and even movies. There are just different people who are your favorite! 

    

That all is good and totally normal. What was hard was when my mentality was all wrong. My entire thought process was “sick”. So when I would hear people tell one sister, “your voice is the best, it’s so strong, you’re my favorite” or, “You are so beautiful, you are definitely the prettiest of the group” or, “You move more than your other sisters, I can tell you love performing. You’re such a natural.” it would make me very insecure and rock my foundation of who I was.

   

Now if you are a healthy person, those comments roll off your back and are totally normal. You know your worth, you know you are happy with who you are and you're not going to change for any reason or comment said to you.

    

But! If you are struggling with an eating disorder, I guarantee you are already very, very insecure with yourself ... then any comment heard that puts you down in any way or encourages another person, is a mark inside your brain telling you that you aren't good enough. That is where I was and that is one of many reasons why I grew more jealous towards my sisters. I became more insecure, my self hatred grew towards myself, I was more harsh on myself if I messed up in a performance and I was becoming more paralyzed with how to live life. I became so absorbed with all that I wasn’t ... I lost all of who I was and am. And it’s all because I obsessively compare myself to others instead of being good with who I was.

    

I started hating my sisters and anyone who complimented one sister and not me because I only heard in my brain how bad and unworthy and imperfect I was... which meant I just needed to try harder. 

    

Life became a giant competition too, because I was constantly comparing who I was to my sisters. I lived in a state of "never good enough" and always trying to beat them with the things I could control ... which was losing weight and eating the healthiest. That became my game and the only way I knew how to deal with the hurt that I wasn’t good enough. 

    

Living life constantly comparing yourself to your sisters is exhausting, consuming and it destroys relationships. 

   

Not only was my comparison directed at my sisters, but it was also with the girls at the treatment center I went to. I remember sitting in a sunroom meeting with my therapist, I could see the other girls walking out to the stables going to equine therapy which I had to miss it that day due to my time with the therapist. I was so angry. I couldn't stand the fact that those girls were “walking”, (in my mind exercising, burning calories) and here I was having to sit. So what did I do ... I didn’t tell my therapist. But I distinctly remember staring at those girls walking and I remember this so vividly, but I thought to myself, “this is the exact same thing that eats you up at home, this jealousy and anger towards people/sisters that are “burning” more calories than you, doing better than you. If you don't get over this ... it will continue to destroy relationships, it will keep eating you alive and ultimately, it will be a place in recovery that you will never recover from. You have to let this go Natalie.”

    

It wasn't till another thing took place in the treatment center where this time I talked to my therapist about what was bothering me. I was again comparing myself to another girl there and my therapist looked at me and said, “Natalie, it isn’t fair to compare.” That phrase just hit me so hard...because it’s true! Think about it, it isn’t fair to compare. Why? Because we all have our own reason for why we are the way we are. We each have different families, struggles, bodies and many other different qualities that make us each uniquely ourselves. 

     

I heard that so many more times during my time at the treatment center. But I had to keep reminding myself of this fact all through my recovery. 

    

When you can't quit comparing yourself to others, it almost becomes a false reality you start living in ... it’s addicting and it's hard to get out of. In a backwards way it becomes easier to live in that reality because you avoid ever accepting yourself. 

   

But living in that reality is like living with this constant shadow over you whispering to you all the time saying, “you aren’t good enough.” “Look at her, she’s thinner and more driven than you.” “Why can't you look like her?” “Why can't you sing and move on stage like her?” “She’s prettier than you, you can’t change that about you ... but you can lose weight…” 

   

The only way to stop seeing yourself in that reality, through the lies of comparison, is by stepping out of that shadow and into the light. When you finally take that step of faith into the light, start saying “no” to the lies. Claim the person that you are. Claim the beautiful, worthy, valuable, unique, individual soul that you are. 

    

Listen. My life, my journey, my own story of my life is my own. There is no other me. Same
goes for you. There is no one else like you, the world needs you and the rare qualities that you and you alone have. So stop comparing. It really isn’t fair to compare. Each person's journey is different...not one is the same. So claim who you are. 

   

My sisters and I are each very uniquely different...we all have different hobbies, we like different movies and music and we all look different! But we have a unity that is so strong, one that comes from accepting who we each individually are and yet also accepting who each other is. The freedom that comes from accepting instead of comparing is glorious! Trust me, it’s much better than listening to the lies and sitting in a prison consumed with me, myself and I. 

    

It’s worth it. Trust me. Stop comparing, step into the light, claim who you are.

P.S. If you ever have any questions, confusion or doubts always feel free to email me at everlastingrecovery@gmail.com. I am always here for you! 

~ Natalie