Diets

                                                                    

Ok guys. I’m going to go ahead and tell you … if you have to be on a diet for your health, then this blog post doesn't apply to you. If you went on a diet in the past and it was the thing that changed your life and brought you to recovery, then this blog post doesn't apply to you. If you love diets and love doing them and they work for you and they just work for you, then this blog post doesn’t apply to you. I know many people have used diets to help turn their life around and so I really am not talking to you, because that’s wonderful! If diets have worked for you in the past then I am all for that and am totally supportive of that! 

So this blog post is for those of you who have abused diets, who look to diets to change your life or for those of you who think that diets are gonna help you recover from your eating disorder. You know who you are and you know who I’m talking about. Those are the people I am writing to in this blog post, ok? One more thing, when I mention “diets” I am talking about clean eating, programs, apps that calculate calories, cleanses … I am talking about everything that “helps” you lose weight quickly, calculate calories and stuff that tells you how to live your life.

Ok! Now that that is out of the way, lets get on to the topic … diets. I have a big problem with diets. Actually, I have lots of problems with them and here’s why. 

For someone like me, I am a rule follower. I will do what someone tells me to do and I will do it as close as I can to perfection. So back in 2012 my family and I went on a diet. I followed that thing like my life depended on it. I went through our pantry and fridge and threw out all the “bad” food. Which brings me to number one.

 

1. Diets automatically label food as “good and “bad”.
   
   

What happens when you are told not to do something or not to eat something? You want to eat it now multiplied with an intensity by three. 

So when my family finally stopped doing that diet, I had a really hard time allowing myself to eat those bad foods again. Because at that point in my life, I obeyed that diet rigidly. So, trying to then tell me, “Oh, you can now eat whatever you want.” No, it wasn't that simple. That only helped fuel my food paranoia because now in my brain everything, let me repeat, everything was categorized in my brian as “good” in “bad” food, and that kind of thinking took years to get out of my head.

Now that was when I was younger and when my struggle with anorexia was mild and actually kind of intertwined with bulimia. That’s another story. 

So moving on a couple of years into 2017. In 2017 I started gaining weight and that was when I became bulimic. Sometimes I wonder if I actually had BED (Binge Eating Disorder), because I never really threw up or used laxatives when I was bulimic. But I have read before that when you're bulimic a way to purge is by exercise and by extreme dieting. And that's exactly what I did. I do think I did struggle with both … but that’s also another story. 

Anyways, all that to say, when I was bulimic I was always using diets, apps and programs to try to lose weight. And I would use extreme clean eating to help me lose weight … fast. 

 

2. Diets are a false shortcut that put you back where to square one. 

Meaning, you just went and used up extra time for a pointless shortcut that took you farther behind. It took you nowhere, but instead just wore you out for the journey you are still on. You just end up wasting time. Listen. There is no shortcut to losing weight when recovering from an eating disorder … none. Let me tell you, when I would go on diets, if I could stick with it for a month, (which was rare, most of the times I couldn’t even make it a week because my body hated restricting at this point because of all the damage I had done to it.) but I would look better, even feel better...but I could never maintain it. When the diet ended, I always gained more weight back then when I started. And that is how I ended up at my heaviest weight at the end of 2019. 

I was always starting and quitting diets, apps, programs, you name it, I was always starting and stopping them and always ending up heavier than when I first began. 

But goodness, those diets can look so good. I fell for it every time. I can’t tell you how many I tried. They got me with the flashy pictures. You know, the juice diets that take three days to flatten your belly or the pictures of people who lost extreme weight in just seven days! But even if those pictures are true, I would love to see how the person looked the next week. 

But not only did the pictures get me, I loved the control in diets. I would only eat just this, or do exactly this for this week and do exactly this for the next week...you know what I mean? For someone who likes control, following orders, making lists and checking them off...diets should be just perfect for me! But it was only the complete opposite.

3. Diets fuel control.

Ever since leaving home and moving to TN, I have needed control. My life had fallen out of control so I held onto food because that could travel with me, go from apartment to home … it was always there for me. I always planned out in my head what I would eat, what we would have during the weekend, what I would eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I have always liked “knowing” what I was going to eat. It was a way for me to control. So as the opposite, I hated when we would have to spontaneously eat out, or dad would come home and suggest eating out, or a friend calls you up and wants to go out … I hated that. So when I was on diets, it gave me that safety and control to be able to not have to eat out. It was great...so I thought. It obviously only fueled my control issues. Which makes living life very hard because life is full of uncontrollable happenings. It happens all the time. But it made me a very angry, stressed out person. Someone that was not fun to be around.

Now part of me liked diets because it helped my brain be able to not get stressed with all the options of food. I am someone who does not do good at buffets because there are too many choices. Trying to figure out what I would want to eat amongst all the options was near impossible for me. When I was anorexic, I still would want everything but I just restricted even harsher because that’s how I knew to handle the situation. When I was bulimic I still wanted everything and would get whatever I wanted but then would feel sick because I ate so much. 

Diets helped me stick to what was safe and it gave me boundaries. But I then would fall apart when I didn’t have my diet or app or program to help me through when we had to spontaneously eat out. Or like when we would go on tour … a time where I was having to “eat out” everyday. Diets couldn’t help me then. 

4. Diets handicap you from being able to listen to your body.

In recovery I never wanted to have to listen to my body because that meant I would have to stop when I’m full or allow myself to eat ice cream even though it's a “bad” food. I always wanted someone to just tell me, eat this not that. And that’s why I went to diets so often. But that kept me from ever listening to my body. I was scared of that because it meant I was somewhere in the middle. I reversely always wanted to be in one extreme or the other.

5. Diets keep you in the extremes.
   
   

I was scared to death of living in the middle because that meant I would have nothing to hold onto. I would rather be starving to death or stuffing my face than live in the middle ground with moderation and balance. Now I realized how much better life was when I finally let go of trying to lose weight fast, when I stopped trying to control my food and when I started listening to my body … all things that are opposite of what diets offer. 

That my friends is why I have a problem with diets. It was excruciating to give up living in the extremes, it was hard and uncomfortable and took a lot of trial and error. But I got there by quitting all diets, stopping viewing food as “good” and “bad”, by giving my body what it wanted … in a healthy way ... and exercising in a manner that wasn't for purging purposes but for pure health reasons. 

Let’s recap:

1. Diets automatically label food as “good and “bad”. 

2. Diets are a false shortcut that put you back where to square one.

3. Diets fuel control.

4. Diets handicap you from being able to listen to your body.

5. Diets keep you in the extremes.

So get diets out of your head. Free yourself from the empty promises it tells you. It is never going to be easy to lose weight if you have gained weight by bulimia or BED … it just isn’t. Just know if you have to lose a little weight from your disorder, the only way is by not focusing on your weight, and just eating normally and what your body wants! It’s as simple and as hard as that. Your body will fall into the weight it wants to naturally. I know because I lived it. But trust me, diets will never get you there. Love yourself today, accept yourself today and take care of yourself today. That is how you will get to recovery!

~ Natalie