Scars

I don’t think many people think of this aspect of eating disorders much ... which is why I wanted to write about it! You know, scars are multifaceted and something that can continue to go on in yourself and others if we don’t deal with them properly and if we don’t deal with the wound. I wanted to share some of the scars that I have still to this day from my eating disorder. You know, when you put yourself through purposeful pain, your body is going to have scars from that. See, not only are you dealing with the scars that lead you into your eating disorder or addiction, you’re dealing with scars from your eating disorder. And in my case I was also having to watch my sisters deal with the scars I had given them. 

When I was little I remember my dad talking about scars. He told me that certain sins, certain acts, certain wrong-doings have different consequences and some of those consequences can be creating scars for yourself and in others. He said that was such a serious thing because scars can be deep and can stay with you forever depending on the scar. I was so little and yet I remember exactly where I was when he was talking to me. I remember hearing the seriousness in his voice and understanding what he was talking about. I understood as much as I could without having lived through any of it. 

But eventually I did live through it. I lived through the receiving end of scars and I lived on the giving side of scars. 

For the receiving side of scars, it all started one day when we were at a friend’s house. That day was when I got compared to my sister saying I was bigger than my sister. Then later that same day, I got a note tossed at me that said, “You’re fat!”. That day I was wounded so deeply that I never got over it and the scar was so deep that it led me into anorexia. 

Now, I always like to clarify, there were a host of other reasons that drove me to anorexia, but this was one of the main reasons. Why I wanted to start a blog was for the fact that eating disorders are so multifaceted that I wanted to be able to write and take my time explaining different aspects of all the different things that drove my eating disorder. Ok, I just wanted to clarify … now let’s move on.

So I was called fat which created a scar so deep that I needed to find something to help numb my pain and cope with life. But because I used anorexia to hurt myself to help numb my pain, I ended up creating my own scars. Some of the scars, like I said earlier, are with me to this day. For example, I can't exercise but so hard. If I exercise too hard my body remembers the pain of not having enough fuel and yet me making myself complete workouts when I had no energy to get me through it. My body gets shaky and I can just tell in my brain that I cannot push myself that hard. So for exercise I have had to really try hard to find a balance of workouts that push me enough but not too much. Thankfully I have found that balance and am very happy now! But it’s taken a lot of trial and error. 

Another scar is the fact that I hoard food because I’m scared of starving. I like to keep food hidden in different places because I want to know that I won’t run out of food. Sometimes I will hoard a lot and I won’t even necessarily eat it … I just want to know it’s there. Like, specifically, I have a bag of trail mix and granola bars in my room and they’re about two years old ... but I like knowing it’s there because I know I won’t starve. I know it sounds silly and I am trying to get better about that aspect. Sometimes I have to make myself just throw the food away because it just gets too old and then it’s wasted ... but this is a repercussion because of having starved myself for so long. But it is much better now! Early on it was really bad! I also have certain foods that I don’t enjoy eating much anymore because I abused them when I was anorexic ... like mustard, quinoa and black pepper.

 

And of course I have all the memories of being anorexic to where not a single day goes by where I don’t remember something or think of something of when I was starving myself. At some point in everyday life, I will have traveled back in my head to a certain memory of being sick. Either something reminds me of that, or I will eat something that I hadn’t had since my time at the treatment center ... you name it, it could be anything. Something will happen literally almost everyday that reminds me of my time of being anorexic or bulimic. Not that it’s all bad, but that is still something that stays with me ... memories can be scars too. All of these are just a few of the scars I have. 

Enough about me. I gave my sisters scars with my eating disorder. Scars that to this day my sisters will have to quietly deal with or a lot of times they will have to talk it out with me. Now thankfully, this has happened waaaaay less than when I was first recovering. It’s nowhere near as bad as  how it used to be. Almost everyday during my anorexia was a scar for them. They had to deal with me exercising again for the right reasons. They had to retrain their mind that if I don’t like food it’s now because I genuinely don’t like it. Or even just the other day, I wanted to go on a walk because it felt amazing out and walking is one of my favorite things to do because I love nature! But one of my sisters got upset because I went on a walk and we had to text it out because it brought back bad memories for her ... those are scars that I created in them.

Sometimes I get weary of having to talk through or go through scars and hurts because it’s hard for me to deal with the reality that I did that to them. But listen carefully...in order to heal properly you must, I repeat, you must talk through and deal with these scars. It can be easy for me to not want to hear my sisters’ hurt but in order for them to heal and for me to heal, we have to hear each other out. I had to listen to why it hurt that one sister that I went on a walk, I had to accept it and show her that I walk because I love it now. She had to be willing to tell me why it was hard. If you want to heal from these scars and move forward it takes talking and listening and being humble enough to do that. Let me tell you, it’s some of the hardest work and most uncomfortable moments of my life ... but it’s so worth it. Early on in my recovery we would have full blown screaming and crying arguments having to talk through these hurts I had created in them. It hurt like nothing else hearing them cry as they told me the hurts I had created in them, but I had to hear it from them, let them get it out and I had to do the same. But once we did ... it now only happens once in a blue moon ... if ever! Because we have all healed so much from the past ... and I mean really healed. We are so close, my family and I. We are such a tight family and I am so thankful because anorexia nearly destroyed our family.

Scars stay with you but if healed properly they will fade away until one day you realize ... the scar is gone. But do know that scars are powerful and one scar can lead to a great many problems and hurts and eventually more scars. So be careful what you say and be careful what you do. 

Think of how it started for me ... one thing was said which led to me nearly dying from anorexia and my entire family being torn apart from it. That’s just one example ... just one. And this one example is mild compared to what other stories and scars are out there. 

But be encouraged because if my family can heal from the scars it went through ... you can heal from your scars. There is no scar too deep that God can’t heal ... that's a promise!

~ Natalie