Work = Worth & Sitting = Shame

                                                     

The title of this blog is not a true statement, but it’s a statement I believed for a very long time. You see, I have always been a “go-getter” … always. I love being busy, I love being productive and I love working hard … I have since I was little! My dad is like this and ever since I was little I have followed my dad around and helped him with whatever project he has working on! We like to be busy … I like to be busy. 

Being busy isn’t bad at all … but it is when it gets unbalanced. It’s bad when you believe that your works make you worthy, more deserving of love. When I was anorexic, I only knew how to be busy in the most extreme way. I never allowed myself down time. Part of it was that I felt guilty for sitting and taking time off, and so I kept myself busy all day long. And the other part was because my dad liked to be busy, I thought I had to be busy in order to earn my dad’s love. I also wanted to be burning calories all day. If I happened to be sitting all day because of a meeting or because I had to drive somewhere, I made sure I made up for that “sitting” time by being really busy the next day or by going on an extra walk or anything just to be burning calories. I was always calculating, trying to burn more calories. What I didn’t even realize at the time was that part of the engine of this drive in my heart wasn’t just about calories but because of how much I wanted to earn dad’s love and ultimately God’s love.

It got so bad that I remember wishing I could break my foot or leg...anything to help save me from going so hard. I needed/wanted a reason to not have to exercise. I wanted to be able to sit and not feel guilty. I wanted to have a day where I could just watch tv and rest without having to go exercise hard the next day … but I couldn’t. The drive for calories and worth and love was too strong.

So, those were my anorexic years. When I started struggling with bulimia, my life came to a halt. It just so happened that that year, we didn't have much going on with the Hall Sisters and so we just weren't busy. And also, I had worn myself out for years. I couldn't accept the fact that I was worthy and loved just as I was … and I had worn myself out … and inadvertently found another way to cope. I stopped trying to work for my worth and I started to sit and drown my sorrows and numb my pain in food … which then only filled me up with shame. It became an endless cycle.

My life came to a halt and I started gaining weight and I started just stuffing my face with food. Now there were other reasons for that, but this was a huge part of why I went to food. 

I felt such shame and guilt because I would just sit all day, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started hating myself so much that I needed food to help with not only the shame of sitting and eating all day, but now I definitely wasn’t worth loving because I had more weight and I wasn't doing anything to earn my worth.

I can’t tell you how guilty I felt and how much hatred I had towards myself. I then went to food to help numb that hatred. I started gaining more weight and then that of course was just more hatred towards myself. You see the endless cycle that this created … for years? 

Do any of you have that problem? Are you a “go-getter” and like to be busy but feel guilty for resting? It could be that’s all it is, but for some of you, maybe you aren’t even aware of the fact that your drive isn’t just about accomplishing or burning calories but deep, deep down you are trying to earn your love. Have you thought about that?

I just know that I still can have a hard time turning myself off and allowing myself to rest when I’ve worked hard. Because after days of being busy I start thinking, “I’m more worthy to love now that I’ve been busy”. So when I have days of being home and not doing anything, I feel like a loser, I feel like a failure and I feel like I am unworthy so I go to food to numb those feelings. 

I’m very black and white. I either go or I’m off. But I've had to learn that this is very much a gray area. Balance is key. On days I don’t have much to do, I have learned it’s ok to rest! It’s ok to go through several days and not be productive … if that’s what the schedule allows! It’s ok to be busy and be going hard! It’s all part of life! And most importantly, my schedule doesn't change my worth! It doesn't matter what I am doing, in God’s sight my worth hasn’t changed at all. Not one iota! 

But I have had to listen to fight the thoughts in my head a lot! I also have had my sisters help me a lot and help me learn to pace myself. Remember I am so black and white so my sisters help me balance out the practical things. I don't have to do everything on this day or cram everything in so I don’t have to do anything tomorrow. Pacing is everything and my sisters have really helped me with this. 

There was a time over Christmas where I came to quartet practice and my sisters were like, “What is wrong with you?” I was irritable and I was stressed out because I was trying to do so much all in a day when I had all week to do things. They just looked at me and were like, “Slow down. You have all week. Let us help you!” 

And that’s the other thing! Us “go-getters” or drivers whatever you call us, we have a hard time letting other people help. We think we can do it all. We don't think we need help because in our heads, we are earning the love for ourselves and there isn’t enough love to be shared. Well there is enough to go all around and we do need help and we do need others to help balance us out...and my sisters are gems. They help me do that all the time! 

They help me with the practical side of all of this which then helps me with the more spiritual side of things. It shows me to stop and look as to why I am trying to do everything? Am I doing it all because I want to feel loved by my dad or by God or so that I can earn my worth? You see, we have to start going beyond just the outward drive for things. We have to go to the root at what drives the behavior. It takes a lot of mental fighting … but it's worth it! Because when we can go to the root of things, we can pull all of that root up so that it won't grow back later. And that is how one starts fighting and making true progress to a life of everlasting recovery!

Life is too short to go about each day stressing so hard, trying to earn our worth and working so frantically that we miss all the beautiful moments and gorgeous surroundings. So take time to stop and smell the roses! Because no matter what … you are loved today, tomorrow and every day in the future! No matter what your schedule looks like! ;)

~ Natalie