Different Foods I Abused

                          

Sometimes I feel my blogs can be kinda deep and so I thought it might be nice for a change to talk about the food side of things during my anorexia and bulimia. At least this blog post talking about food is just gonna be a little lighter and I just wanted to share some foods that I abused and foods that still hold bad memories and/or triggers. I always found it nice to read other people’s blogs who maybe did the same thing as I was doing with food when I was abusing it. It’s just something that in a way when you realize other people have gone through what you are currently struggling with, if that person has recovered then it helps in those very practical everyday life struggles. It helps motivate the fact that if that person can recover … so can I! At least that’s my two cents!! 

Condiments - I ate so much hot sauce, salsa and mustard. I actually still don’t like mustard but I love me some ketchup! I also still love salsa, like, I love it!! But hot sauce, it can go either way. I like it on some things but I used to put so much on my food that it would just be all that I tasted on the food. But that was “good” for my brain because it meant that I had a lot of “zero” food (hot sauce) on my real food. (“zero” food is just food that has very few calories) I liked those foods so much because they were “zero” and I would allow myself as much as I wanted of it when I was starving. It helped my brain that I could go wild with those foods and not gain any weight. It also would burn my stomach so bad but I liked that cause it felt like I was burning calories. 

Quinoa and Bulgur - two grains that I don’t really like to this day because of where I was when I ate them. I first started out allowing myself to eat them because it was so healthy for me but soon I realized that they still had calories so I started eating less and less of them. I used to eat so little of it that it scarred me. My body remembers knowing that I needed more of that food but I wouldn’t let myself have it. So I still don’t care for it to this day. I will eat it, cause honestly I love food ... but it holds baggage for me.

Salt and Pepper - Well, when I was anorexic I never and I mean never let myself have salt. I was very, very aware of my salt intake. Now pepper was a “zero” food so you guessed it, I ate a lot of it. Sometimes I would add so much pepper that my food would turn black. Yeah, my “pepper-covered” food got me some weird looks. I remember having to use salt at the treatment center (it was a challenge by one of my therapists) ... and guess what ... I enjoyed my food so much more with salt! I felt like I got new taste buds when I started allowing myself salt. In fact years later, I ate salt obsessively. Like I wanted salt on everything! I couldn’t eat food without it - I’d put it on literally everything. It was last year when I was having some physical issues and my dad told me it was probably my salt intake...and he was right. I ate so much salt because I was starved of it so my body needed it. But once I realized that it was causing physical damage I had to back off and ever since then I have found a much healthier relationship with it! I still don’t care for pepper. I love pepper in food when making it but I never put it on my food when I get my plate ... unless it’s like a very certain food. Who knew salt and pepper could hold so many emotions?! ;)

100% Whole Wheat - Only and always whole wheat. I did NOT like white bread or crackers ... of course, I really did love it ... but my anorexia hated it! I would only allow whole wheat bread and crackers. I got to a point where I only liked making my own bread and crackers because store bought was just too unhealthy. I would make the crackers so thin you could literally see through them. It was absolutely ridiculous. Like, it’s funny now, but I would wear myself out trying to make crackers that thin ... it was exhausting. And then whenever I would slice my homemade whole wheat bread I would slice my piece so thin that you could also see through that. It was hilarious but at the time it was very sick. Now I don't like whole wheat anything. I really don’t. I’ll eat it and enjoy it ... if I have to ... but I will not go and pick whole wheat as an option. I like good ole white bread and crackers of all kinds!! 

Soft and Crunchy - I never liked anything soft and gooey because I felt so dirty ... yes dirty and disgusting and so unhealthy for eating food with that consistency. It makes no sense but it did in my head when I was sick. I liked crunchy food … crunchier the better. I would toast my toast really well because I wanted it crunchy if not burned. In my head I think if I had really crunchy and almost burned food, it was healthier because calories would cook out of whatever food it may be. So weird. Now I love soft and gooey and if I make toast I do not like it toasted all the way. I do still love me some crunch, I’m definitely a crunchy kind of girl ... I get that from my dad! But I now love aaaaallllll kinds of soft and gooey foods and I no longer feel dirty or disgusting or unhealthy ... I feel happy!!

Water - Let me tell you, I drank so much water I don’t know how I didn’t float away. I abused how much water I drank mainly because I wanted to wash away any food I ate. It was a form of control for me. I would drink water after my meals in between meals ... and I mean a lot of water so that I could flush away any food. I also liked it because it would make my stomach bigger after a meal but as soon as I would go to the bathroom I would feel instantly smaller. So in my head I wouldn't gain weight from my meal but from water and that went away as soon as I went to the bathroom. It’s so weird how sick our mind can get, it really is. 

Boiling Hot - Ask anyone in my family, when I cooked soup or any dinner really, I wanted the food burning hot. When I would heat my coffee, I would heat it so hot I would burn my mouth but I remember liking the fact that I was burning my mouth. I liked pain. I wanted to hurt myself and this was just a small way I could. I still like things hot ... sometimes I will do things too hot … accidentally … but now it’s a joke within our family! And my coffee is at a much more normal temperature! 

Those are distinct foods/liquids I continually abused when I was anorexic but when I was bulimic, I would binge on anything I could get my hands on. I didn’t really have a certain food or anything. To this day the meals I binged on, still hold those scars and I don’t like to eat those meals or foods. But I don't really have any I could name, I just wanted to share with you that there are still foods I don’t like to eat because of how much I binged on that food. And there’s some foods that I get nervous eating because I am scared I won’t be able to stop eating it because the last time I did, I binged ... if that makes sense.

This gives you a taste of what is inside the mind of an anorexic and bulimic person and explains the unreasonable and sick thinking that takes over. This is just a glimpse of the physical reaction of anorexia and bulimia. Just remember that eating disorders center around food ... yes. But! The eating disorders are never about the food. Did you really read that? The eating disorders are never about the food. Food is just the outcome of the hurt and the pain that is happening on the inside. Don’t forget that. It’s so important you understand that. But food is still the tool that we abuse and what you just read above is the outcome of abusing that tool. 

Well this blog post was way longer than I thought it was going to be! Haha!! But if you are someone who does struggle with an eating disorder, I hope you will be encouraged because if you have habits or foods you have abused just know that recovery is possible. I have recovered from abusing food like that and I never thought I would recover from some of those food habits ... but I did! So be encouraged ... if I can recover ... so can you!!

~ Natalie