Insecurity

Happy Fourth of July everyone!! I hope everyone is having a very special weekend filled with family, friends and fireworks!! Well I'm gonna go on and get right to todays blog post ... today is all about insecurity.

I don’t think people understand how dangerous insecurity really is. I didn’t even realize this till the other week.It all started because I was practicing at the house all alone. The other week it just happened that all of my family was out and about running errands and I stayed home. This doesn't happen much ... but I was home all alone. Well, I thought it would be nice to practice some of my solo songs while no one in the world could hear me. So I went at it. I was completely freed up. I sang my heart out and I realized something as soon as I was done singing one of my songs. I realized how still even to this day, I am so enslaved to my own insecurities. 

It shocked me to see how much I have buried deep down inside that I can’t seem to let out even in front of my own family. It got me thinking a little that week. I started seeing how destructive insecurity really is. I have five things I want to share with you that comes from being insecure that leads to a whole lot of different outcomes. 

1. Insecurity breeds fear

2. Insecurity breeds jealousy 

3. Insecurity breeds anger

4. Insecurity breeds enslavement

5. Insecurity breeds shame  

I want to take them one by one. So, Insecurity breeds fear. You see when someone is insecure, take me for example. In quartet practice, in the studio recording, working with a coach, or performing live in front of people I used to be really insecure, (it’s better now) but I can still be so insecure. A lot of times I will have a thousand thoughts floating in my head and thoughts I’m thinking subconsciously telling myself that I am not good enough, that I am not perfect at this job, I know I’m going to fail, I’m too fat to do this job ... it could go on and on and on. But these thoughts all make me insecure which then makes me afraid. They make me scared to be me. I become fearful of what I can’t do or of how I don’t look or of failing that I become so wrapped up in fear of everything I am not that I can't be everything that I am! I end up not being able to be even half of who I am … even in front of my own family! And this is just number one! 

Moving on to number two. Insecurity breeds jealousy. A lot of times when one is insecure they are always looking at others seeing what the other person has and always wanting what they don't have instead of realizing what I do have. I know for me, it is easy for me to look at each one of my sisters and want what I don’t have. I can become very jealous of what they have. I then become an easy target for Satan because I am already insecure, I then look at qualities or strengths or looks I don’t have and then become jealous of them. Then jealousy leads to me being angry at them, (which is number three) and my self hatred grows more and more towards myself. My vision of myself becomes more distorted and everything just falls apart … including my relationship with my sisters. And then I just become angry. 

Anger is number three because at this point in the battle with insecurity, you realize what you don't have. You can now only see the worst in yourself. Your self hatred is growing. Everything in your life is starting to fall apart so now you become so angry with life. A lot of times we then need something to then cope with this anger. Hopefully by now you can see what insecurity leads to… and we aren't’ even done yet! So, like I said, we now need either a numbing agent or something to control. For me food fit that bill … for both occasions. When I was anorexic I needed something to control, and food was great. I was so angry and so insecure that food helped me keep a form of control on the out-of-control emotions that were running through my life. When I was bulimic, I was beyond insecure, hating myself so much because I was overweight and so angry with how I looked that I needed food to help numb my emotions and self hatred. Quickly I was becoming paralyzed with how I could live and with how to do my job … all because I was insecure.

Number four. I said it right above, that I was becoming paralyzed with how to live … which is equivalent to being enslaved. So trapped in fear, jealousy, and anger that at this point you are literally so trapped, bound, enslaved that you can not see anything clearly. You can’t live. Freedom is gone, joy is nowhere in your life, peace is non existent and relationships are broken. Do you see what an enormous disaster this creates all because of insecurity? I used to think struggling with insecurity wasn’t a big deal. That it was kind of a sad, little struggle that you can't really help struggling with. I hope by now that you can see what all comes from being insecure.

Then there's the last but certainly not the least. Number five, Insecurity breeds Shame. Shame is what seals the deal. It locks the insecurity deep in your heart so that you are not freed up at all. Think of it as if you are sitting in your prison now and you used to at least have a window to outside so that some light could come in. Well now shame comes and covers up that window and blocks any kind of little light you had left. Shame keeps you in the dark prison all alone. Shame whispers to you lies and tells you how worthless you are. Shame tells you how you were meant to be trapped here in this prison and that you are undeserving to be let out. And because that is what shame tells you, well you give up. What is the point in trying to be free and fight for life when all you here are lies and when all you see and feel is dark aloneness? 

Ok. Hopefully by now you see what a problem insecurity really is … now let's talk about the solution. 

The solution is several different things. The main goal though is to cut insecurity off at the root. And we cut it off by:

1. Standing up and standing out. 

2. Not comparing yourself to others. 

3. Love yourself. 

4. Don't’ be afraid to be different. 

5. Be YOU!

All these things sound relatively simple and it is simple but somehow between reading it, knowing it and then doing it … it becomes really difficult. It takes practice. It takes diligence, discipline and determination. It takes building muscles that haven't been built before and if you have ever tried to workout muscles you haven’t used much before in the past ... then you know it is painful! But you also know it’s worth it! Believe me ... it is!

Insecurity breeds many problems. It is no small struggle. So hopefully this gives you awareness of the situation and helps show you how to fight! In any fight, you have to know all of the problems of the fight before knowing how to fight the situation. I hope this helps you and encourages you! 

I’ll end by saying this, you are enough. You are worthy. You are loved. The world needs you … so stop being insecure about you and be you!!

~ Natalie