Merry Christmas...Or Is It? Part 1

 

  

As the saying goes, Merry Christmas to you all! But in all honesty, for me, holidays have rarely ... if ever ... been merry. Can you relate ... or is it just me?

    

See, it was never a “happy” holiday season when I was anorexic. And when I was bulimic, well, I had some “happy” holidays where I was stuffing myself with empty satisfaction. When I was anorexic I was terrified of ALL the food, and when I was bulimic I just wanted to binge on ALL the wonderful food. Both sides make for a very unhappy, unmerry holiday season. So part 1 is all about my anorexic holidays.

   

When I was anorexic I was terrified of all the food ... I mean, talk about anxiety. I was always obsessively thinking of ways out of how to avoid eating certain foods. I would always get a pit in my stomach when yet another dessert was brought home or if we had to bake another treat. To say I was stressed is an understatement.

    

And yet, I would always restrict very intensely leading up to the holidays with the promise to myself that I would be able to eat whatever I wanted. See, I would lose weight for the holidays ... that way any weight gained would be those extra pounds I lost beforehand. I would be “safe” if I gained those extra holiday pounds. But the problem is ... I never wanted to gain weight anyway so what would happen a lot of times is I would restrict up to the holidays, tell myself I could eat whatever I wanted ... but then would never let myself eat whatever I wanted and so therefore ... I ended up losing weight through the holiday season.
  

Oh the pride I felt when I made it through the season without gaining weight. Hearing everyone complain about their jeans being tighter and here I was having lost weight through the season.

  

Boy, I remember those days like it was yesterday. I thought I was doing such good and had such superman qualities to resist all the delights of the season when all along I was the one missing out and I was the one in prison. The damage that was being done was huge, and I had no idea! 

    

Now being on this side of things and looking back, I see everything I missed out on. I see how unhappy and how utterly miserable I was through the holidays. 

        

I always thought my only option was to gain weight through the holiday season, that there was no middle ground. It was always extreme, I either eat whatever I want or I don’t eat any of it because if I allow myself to eat all the “bad” food then I will gain weight and I won’t be able to stop eating ... I will become unhinged. But it wasn’t until I understood what the middle ground looked like … that was when it all started changing for me. 

    

I like to think of it as this equation, Balance + Moderation = Living Life in Freedom. That’s what started helping make the holiday season the joyous time it should be. But eating disorders are all about the extremes and we don’t want balance and moderation and therefore we never achieve life and freedom. And plus! What is life but trying to find balance in life! 

    

I used to think that I was different, that I was hindered in being able to find balance ... I wasn’t ... I’m just like everyone else. My weakness was just wanting to live in the extremes. But ... I knew in my gut that my body instinctively knew what balance was. I think we are born with a somewhat sense of balance but a lot of times we don’t want it because somewhere between the heart and the brain it gets warped to where we are scared to live with balance and moderation. We listen to the lies that tell us that living in the extremes is far better than living a balanced lifestyle ... but it’s not. It’s a lie.

    

All that to say this Christmas season I want to challenge you with something. In one area of your life that you know down deep is out of control and way out of balance ... in that one area, write it down on a piece of paper. And then next to it write down what would be a more balanced scenario, and then beside that write down what you want this scenario to look like ... basically what your goal is! I’ll give you an example. 

    

So for me, we had this little countdown to Christmas box and each day, starting December 1st, my mom would fill it with candy ... just like a Hershey kiss or a chocolate covered cherry ... little things. But I used to be scared to eat those things ... even though it was one little piece of chocolate a day. 

    

So for the challenge I would write down “Being scared to eat the candy.” Then beside it I would write down, “Eating the chocolate would be more balanced.” Then beside that I would write down, “To be able to actually eat that chocolate with no guilt.” That would be what it would look like on the paper. 

You can write down as many of these challenges as you want, or you can write just one ... and if the least you can do is write it on paper ... that’s great!! Because then you will start seeing what a life of balance looks like! And then when you feel ready give it try ... try living it out ... even if it’s just one challenge!! That’s a start! And this can apply to any area of your life, it doesn’t have to be just food ... one can be unbalanced in life in many areas ... so give it a try with those areas too!

    

If you complete this challenge by even just writing it down, or if you go ahead and try it out ... then let me know in the comments! I want to hear from you! 

     

This challenge may seem small but believe me this is how you start turning those unmerry, unhappy holidays into a joyous holiday season!!

                                                             Merry Christmas!!