Merry Christmas….Or Is It? Part 2

If you read my part one of “Merry Christmas….Or Is It?”, then you will know that my holidays were not happy when I was anorexic. Part two is all about my holidays when I was bulimic. From an outward viewpoint they “looked” happier ... but they were far from it. 

   

I was just as anxious during these holidays when I was bulimic as I was when I was anorexic. I was just scared for different reasons. See, I was anxious because there is so much food at Christmas and I didn’t want to stop eating. I wanted it all! I didn’t want any restrictions, no moderation ... I wanted to eat whatever I wanted!! 

    

So I’m like the “second” cook of our family, my mom is the “head chef” of our home. Even though I’m not the main cook, I still cook ... a lot. When I was bulimic I got into the habit of “binge grazing”. I don’t know if you've heard of that phrase before, but it’s where you basically can’t quit snitching and are eating little bits without stopping until you end up eating huge amounts ... just by little bits at a time. 

     

Being in the kitchen so much of the time led to me “binge grazing” which then ultimately ended in a binge because I couldn’t quit and would feel so guilty for eating so much that in order to deal with the shame and guilt ... I would just eat more. 

     

The holidays were and are filled with baking because we would bake for our neighbors and ourselves …’Tis the season. But it would stress me out because I knew I’d be in the kitchen. I couldn’t and didn’t want to have self control which then was just a whole clash of bad scenarios to end in not only weight gain but stomach aches, feelings of being hot, swollen and uncomfortable and sleepless nights because of how bad my stomach hurt from everything I had eaten. It was miserable and made me feel panicky, shame-filled, guilty and completely out of control. 

     

Such a major reason why I felt so bad about myself was because I viewed food as “good” and “bad”. It took me so long to get this but when I started seeing food as food, I stopped seeing it as “good” and “bad”, it helped me mellow out. 

     

There were multiple other reasons why I struggled with the holiday season but I want to hit on this one because it was such a major reason behind what was helping drive my anxiety and shame, which eventually ended with binging.

    

Whenever I would eat “bad” food I would feel so bad about myself that I would need something to help numb the hatred towards myself so I would go to more food to help numb my feelings. And a lot of times those “bad” foods were the treats that holidays come with. So the season was full of it and it was a constant cycle. 

     

See, when you view food as “good” and “bad”, when you eat any “bad” food, attached with that food is the feelings of shame, guilt and even embarrassment. And when you feel all of that for eating a certain food, a lot of times you can't cope with those feelings and so you go to food to help numb those emotions, at least that’s what I did. 

    

But I realized that even though those feelings were very real to me ... they were in fact untrue. The whole foundation of my mindset was built on lies. 

    

There is no such thing as “good” and “bad” food ... that’s the lie, but that one lie led to many binges and sleepless nights. That is what is so powerful about eating disorders though: they are built on many, many lies and it takes so long to untangle and unwind and to really see the truth. That’s why I wanted to point out this one lie, and show you how just one little lie ... helped ruin many days, weeks, years ... and holidays.

     

When I finally got to a place where I saw food as food, I wouldn’t feel bad about myself when I ate a treat! I could see it as food and I enjoyed it and there was no guilt or shame attached, and therefore didn’t lead to binging ... it led to me just eating a treat. Period. No feelings or emotions attached ... just freedom!

      

So over the remaining course of this holiday season, if you struggle seeing food as “good” and “bad” I challenge you to challenge your thought process in how you view the different foods ... there is no such thing as “good” and “bad” food. The further you get away from that process the better. Trust me. It took me late into my recovery to fully grasp that, but it’s true. Sure there’s healthier foods than others but it doesn’t make food “bad”. 

     

I can still fall into that habit sometimes, but I have to really challenge my thoughts and ask myself, “What makes that food bad? What’s wrong with it?” And then I realize that it’s not bad and there is nothing to be afraid of. The freedom that comes when you get away from that thinking is amazing!! 

       

Comment down below some of the foods that are maybe hard for you or foods that you distinctly see as “good” and “bad”. 

       

As always, thank you for reading and together, let’s make this Christmas a little more merrier this year! Who knows ... you may surprise yourself and this may be the first one where you experience a little sparkle of light or hope ... any victory is huge and leads to freedom!! 

     

                                                           Merry Christmas!